Thursday, October 1, 2009

Three Magic Words: Vampyre Finishing School


You know how sometimes singing along with the Paramore CD in your car convinces you that maybe you too could be a professional singer? Or - at the very least - front a very cool Paramore cover band?

This happens to me a lot. I sound sooooo good on Misery Business, I swear!

In fact, I sound so good that I will disastrously expand my repertoire to include a little Radiohead…. and its all over. Reality overtakes me, like a wave of nausea. I am not a singer. I am the sullen, lazy employee of an anonymous government agency.

Damn you Thom Yorke, you dreamkiller! Damn you!

The House of Night series is like the opposite of that. When I read these books, I begin to realize that I, too, could be a best selling Young Adult author!

Perhaps you have been spending your time reading good books like Twilight and Dead Until Dark or having a life or something. You may ask yourself, “What on earth is The House of Night???”

I do not have a life, and have already read all the good vampire books. This is all that is left for me, so allow me to educate you. The House of Night is a ludicrous and derivative series of vampire-focused YA books, penned by PC Cast and her teen daughter, Kristin.

That’s right, because it takes two people to poorly integrate “teen slang” into the obsessively politically correct and preachy story of teens attending a vampyre finishing school in Oklahoma. Actually, if the Acknowledgment pages are to be believed, it also takes several of PC Cast’s high school creative writing classes to really flesh out ridiculous plot twists and sad pop culture references.

I will acknowledge that, at 34, I may be slightly outside of the target age demographic for these books. I realize that the authors (AKA Team Cast) are trying to deliver what they believe to be a healthy message, to the mostly young girls who read them. I know that I am not reading them in the spirit in which they are intended.

I soooooo do not care.

However, if you are 11, these might really be the books for you. But, if you ARE 11, you really should not be reading this. Stop now, and talk to your parents about getting you a net nanny and some therapy.

If you are not 11, however, you are going to LOVE The House of Night!

So, over the next few weeks, in celebration of the impending release of Book 6: Tempted, I am going to introduce you the wacky world of The House of Night. I will summarize for you the high (and frequently low) points of these unintentionally hilarious works of vampire literature.

My purpose here is twofold: entertainment and indoctrination.

It is my most reverent and secret hope that you will be inspired by my mocking and indignation to read these ridiculous books. However, I will be happy if you just read along as I share my horror, amusement, snarkiness and joy!

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