Hippies, Tramps and Vampyres: House of Night Book 1 – Marked

This is part one in my celebration/condemnation of PC and Kristin Cast’s The House of Night Series. For more on why I would subject you to such a thing, read here.

Our story opens with Zoey Redbird, (a typical teenager, just like you and me) hanging at her locker, minding her own business, when out of nowhere some dead guy shows up and marks her as a vampyre. OMG! Can you believe it?

Oh, BTW – You and I have been spelling “vampire” wrong all these years. At The House of Night its “vampyre”. I know. Even my spell-check cannot withstand this abomination.

Anyway, the dead guy – a “tracker” - points at her and says some fancy words like “Night has chosen thee; thy death will be thy birth. Your destiny awaits you at the House of Night!” If the public humiliation was not bad enough, on her forehead appears a blue crescent-shaped tattoo! Oh noes!!!

Now you and I are saying “WTF??”, but our gal Zoey knows exactly what is going on. Thank God she’s here to explain it to us! Vampyres are totally part of society, and she learned all about this in science class. Something boring like genetics and hormones combine in certain teenagers and they begin to “change” into a vampyre. Somehow, the Tracker knows about this and shows up and “marks” the unfortunate teen. Or something. Zoey will either complete “the change” and become a full-fledged vampyre … or reject the change and die!

Despite knowing what is going on, Zoey is TOTALLY bummed about this turn of events. She totally doesn’t want to be a goth or emo kid, she just wants to be normal and hang out with her BFF Kayla and on-again-off-again boyfriend, Heath. But alas, that is just not meant to be… Zoey has to hurry and get to her local “House of Night”, which is a superfancy Vampyre Finishing School!

Just because everyone knows about vampyres, doesn’t mean that everyone is cool with it. Take Zoey’s mom and step dad, for example. They are soooo ignorant and lame and totally into Jesus, or as they refer to it in the book “The People of Faith”. But, we know that it’s really Jesus, because her mom reads those “Chicken Soup for Your Soul” books, and everyone knows what THAT means!

When Zoey’s lame parents find out she’s becoming a vampyre they think that she is totally evil now and they want Jesus and a psychiatrist to cure her or something. Zoey runs off to find her the only person who understands her, her grandma, a Cherokee medicine woman who lives on a lavender farm! Cool! Hippies!

While wandering around her grandma’s lavender farm, Zoey falls down and has a vision of the Goddess Nyx who is apparently the goddess of vampyres. Nyx tells her she is chosen, special and wise beyond her years. Nyx warns Zoey that “darkness does not always equate to evil, just as light does not always bring good.” Whoa. Deep.

When Zoey finally gets to the House of Night, it’s like the coolest, gothest place ever! Its all gas powered torches and buildings with pointy facades, but also flat screen TVs, Count Chocula and the ubiquitous “brown pop” which Zoey loves so dearly. I find it HILARIOUS, that Team Cast name drops like there is no tomorrow, from Ralph Lauren to Banana Republic to Starbucks, but don’t take a side in the Coke vs. Pepsi battle.

Oh also, the food is delicious and healthy and cool. Of course it is! Because everyone knows that food prepared in an institutional setting is always DELICIOUS.

Zoey thinks she looks kind of cool and exotic with her new vamp tattoo and she likes to wear black eyeliner with sparkly glitter in it. But, she makes sure to remind us impressionable young ladies that it is NOT COOL to wear too much eyeliner! Girls with too much eyeliner look like scary, raccoon losers. Is that you, Mom? How did you get inside this stupid vampire book???

Zoey becomes instant best friends with a ragtag group of kids, each apparently representing a group that Team Cast wants to make a statement about. There’s country girl Stevie Rae, pretty blonde Erin, African American Shaunee and gay Damian. Each of these stereotypical characters appears to have been created so that they can behave in their assigned stereotypical manner, in a mind-bending attempt by Team Cast to condemn stereotyping. Is this a vampire book or an after school special?

Zoey has supercool vampyre teachers, like Neferet, her ultra-beautiful and too perfect mentor. All the teachers are amazingly beautiful and read minds. This way, pesky fledgling students cannot outsmart them, and thus have no other alternative but to worship and adore them! Just like it must be for real-life high school English teacher, PC Cast!

Neferet gets Zoey involved in the Dark Daughters, a vampyre sorority called headed by evil, blond Aphrodite. Aphrodite is a bitch AND a slut who Zoey catches trying to give a blood-sucking BJ to a “hottie” named Erik Night. Cool name for a boy who doesn’t want a BJ and pushes Aphrodite away. Just in case you impressionable readers took this as an invitation to put on too much eyeliner and start giving BJs, you can put down that eyeliner. As Zoey reminds us, “Those of us with functioning brains know it’s not cool to be used like that.” Oh right. Good to know...

Not that I approve of sororities in general, but the Dark Daughters does sound like my kind of sorority. They use marijuana and drink blood laced wine! Fun, right? WRONG! This is NOT cool! Joints are gross and drugs are stupid!

Despite fun (oops I mean wrong!) activities, the Dark Daughters is a typical sorority. The membership is exclusive, the members are snobby bitches and they are cruel to nerds who they use for their blood. (Yes, they really use the word nerd.) Zoey is SHOCKED and DISMAYED by this and vows to end this outrage!

So will Zoey rid the world of BJs and good times? Will she make vampyre sororities safe for nerds? Will BJ hater Erik fall for her? What kind of name is Aphrodite anyway?

You are going to have to swallow your pride, wipe off that eyeliner and get to your local bookstore to find out. Or you can wait until I give away the ending when I tell you all about the ridiculousness of Book 2: Betrayed!

Three Magic Words: Vampyre Finishing School

You know how sometimes singing along with the Paramore CD in your car convinces you that maybe you too could be a professional singer? Or - at the very least - front a very cool Paramore cover band?

This happens to me a lot. I sound sooooo good on Misery Business, I swear!

In fact, I sound so good that I will disastrously expand my repertoire to include a little Radiohead…. and its all over. Reality overtakes me, like a wave of nausea. I am not a singer. I am the sullen, lazy employee of an anonymous government agency.

Damn you Thom Yorke, you dreamkiller! Damn you!

The House of Night series is like the opposite of that. When I read these books, I begin to realize that I, too, could be a best selling Young Adult author!

Perhaps you have been spending your time reading good books like Twilight and Dead Until Dark or having a life or something. You may ask yourself, “What on earth is The House of Night???”

I do not have a life, and have already read all the good vampire books. This is all that is left for me, so allow me to educate you. The House of Night is a ludicrous and derivative series of vampire-focused YA books, penned by PC Cast and her teen daughter, Kristin.

That’s right, because it takes two people to poorly integrate “teen slang” into the obsessively politically correct and preachy story of teens attending a vampyre finishing school in Oklahoma. Actually, if the Acknowledgment pages are to be believed, it also takes several of PC Cast’s high school creative writing classes to really flesh out ridiculous plot twists and sad pop culture references.

I will acknowledge that, at 34, I may be slightly outside of the target age demographic for these books. I realize that the authors (AKA Team Cast) are trying to deliver what they believe to be a healthy message, to the mostly young girls who read them. I know that I am not reading them in the spirit in which they are intended.

I soooooo do not care.

However, if you are 11, these might really be the books for you. But, if you ARE 11, you really should not be reading this. Stop now, and talk to your parents about getting you a net nanny and some therapy.

If you are not 11, however, you are going to LOVE The House of Night!

So, over the next few weeks, in celebration of the impending release of Book 6: Tempted, I am going to introduce you the wacky world of The House of Night. I will summarize for you the high (and frequently low) points of these unintentionally hilarious works of vampire literature.

My purpose here is twofold: entertainment and indoctrination.

It is my most reverent and secret hope that you will be inspired by my mocking and indignation to read these ridiculous books. However, I will be happy if you just read along as I share my horror, amusement, snarkiness and joy!

Its 9:00. Why Aren’t You Reading Vampire Academy??

Vampire Academy is the first book in Richelle Mead’s Vampire Academy series. As of this writing, the fourth book (the amazing and heartbreaking Blood Promise) was just released in hardback.

If you aren’t reading Vampire Academy RIGHT NOW (and clearly you are NOT), you are doing something wrong. This omission will come back to haunt you eventually, like a hangover or food poisoning.

DISCLAIMER: I am a superfan of YA vampire books. From my beloved Twilight Saga, to P.C. Cast’s awful House of Night series (which I love to hate so much I own every book and am DYING for Tempted to come out in 27 days!!). So, even if they are silly and steeped in spiritual agendas and “teen slang”, I adore them. I’m embarrassed to head directly to the YA section of the bookstore. I address this by I keeping my head down, not making eye contact and pretending I’m shopping for a gift. (I also use this strategy when shopping for Twilight paraphernalia at Hot Topic.)

While the Vampire Academy books may reside in the YA section, I promise you they transcend that genre. Everything I think is missing from YA books is here, from hot premarital sex to underage drinking without moralizing.

The Vampire Academy in question is St. Vladimir’s Academy, a rural Montana boarding school for vampire royalty, the Moroi, and their half-vampire bodyguards-in-training, the Guardians.

Moroi are the vampires-lite that seem to overrun the YA vampire genre. Yes, they are vampires, and while they need human blood to survive, they take their blood from willing human donors and never ever kill anyone ever! Moroi are born vampires, can go out in the sunlight (even if they don’t much like it), eat and enjoy human food and they are painfully mortal.

However, constantly stalking the Moroi are their evil, undead counterparts, the Strigoi. The Strigoi are the vampires that you and I know and love. They hunt and kill humans for blood, can’t go out in the daylight, and can only be killed by a silver stake through the heart. Strigoi are born when Moroi choose the dark side by killing a human, or are turned by force, when attacked by Strigoi.

As you might imagine, the delicate, mortal Moroi require protecting from the nasty, evil Strigoi, who are determined to rid the world of the fakeass Moroi vampires. Enter the Dhampirs….

Dhampirs are the result of vampire-human coupling. They are born with super strength, but no need for pesky blood drinking or sun avoidance. Through some cruel prank of evolution, Dhampirs can only reproduce with Moroi, so they have a vested interest in staying close and accessible to them. It seems to work out great for everyone that Dhampirs are also badasses who train to become Guardians who are sworn protect the delicate and special Moroi from the evil Strigoi.

Vampire Academy is a mostly first-person narrative from the perspective of a 17 year old Dhampir Guardian-in-training and all around rebel with a cause, Rose Hathaway. Rose’s rebellious cause is mostly the safety of her BFF, the orphaned Moroi princess, Vasilisa “Lissa” Dragomir.

Rose and Lissa have just returned to St. Vladimir’s after two years on the run from a mysterious threat to Lissa’s safety, which appeared soon after the death of Lissa’s immediate family in a terrible car accident. Lissa and Rose’s time on the lam has brought them closer and deepened a bond that extends beyond their life-long friendship. Rose has developed a one-sided ability to feel Lissa’s emotions and more and more frequently to actually get inside her head and see, hear and feel events as Lissa does.

Lissa, for her part, has acquired mysterious powers which exceed what Moroi have traditionally believed possible. Those powers may be putting her jeopardy, even as she romances adorable, scandalous Christian.

Rose, when she isn’t reading Lissa’s mind is busy making up the two years of Guardian training she missed on the run with Lissa. Lucky for her, the training is administered by the beautiful, enigmatic Dimitri Belikov, smoking hot Guardian extraordinaire (and quite possibly the love of my life).

Lissa and Rose try to fade back into the trivial lives they left behind two years ago, but it soon becomes clear that the shadowy threat to Lissa that drove them away continues to pursue her, and Rose will sacrifice anything to protect her.

Vampire Academy is not just about teenage vampires with funny names, it’s about legacy, loyalty, sacrifice and deliciously forbidden love.

Seriously, what more do you want from a book????

Its not just vampires....its blond identical twins too!

Its enlightening, and a little scary, to make a list of my interests.

One might wonder where vampires and Sweet Valley High books meet. Actually, they do meet in a later addition to the hilarious SVH series - Kiss of a Killer - where Jessica dates a vampire! I do not own this book and have never read it....but I pray each day that I will one day find a copy hidden in my local goodwill! So of course, I was excited/sad to read that Diablo Cody is adapting my beloved SVH into a film.

Excited because - hello! this might be my big break! – and sad because SVH really was a huge part of my childhood. I worry that the cheesy and ridiculous source material will be updated to reflect actual reality…. I worry that they will cast actual identical twins as Jessica and Elizabeth and not me in a “Parent Trap”- style split screen.

I seriously worry that the books will be reissued with new covers. The original book covers are my own personal brand of heroin! Not just for their campy 80s deliciousness, but the ability of those iconic and forgotten images to literally transport me to the YA section at my local bookstore circa 1986. I want to shout from the rooftop, “I have a discovered the time machine, people, and its operated by a mysterious lady named Francine Pascal!”

But mostly, I’m worried that someone else might snatch up my copy of Kiss of a Killer!